• emilyhawkins28

I Know I Couldn't Be Her Again


Have you ever looked back at the person you were and thought, who was that? When I do this I see 3 distinct lives, some overlapping.


my past lives

The Kid Life

I owe my parents a long letter of apology, and a maybe a giant edible arrangement, for somehow not killing me but also being patient with my 10 million questions, crazy decision-making and temper tantrums.

I loved being a kid, experiencing travel from an early age and feeling free to be what I wanted to be. Could I go back there though? No way, I love my independence and seeing the other side of childhood through my parent eyes.

The Awkward Life

Who am I kidding, I'm still technically in this phase of my life and will always be to some degree. The real awkward phase I'm referring to is adolescence and right through my 20s. That time for me was spent sandpapering my proverbial square edges to fit in the round hole known as middle school/popular/cool.

Our teens and twenties have been somewhat glorified in society. But for me, that time was filled with insecurity and an inability to truly be myself. Fitting in was extremely important to me and yet now as I type those words I feel that the words "fitting in" signify boring.

Present day I still say the wrong thing, wear the wrong thing and embarrass myself on a regular basis but it's different when you are more sure of yourself. The awkward moments are now laughable instead of pride swallowing. And I prefer a good laugh to a cry.

The Party Life

This was a brief period of my life that occurred between 18 and 20 years of age. It involved staying up way too late, drinking and skipping my college classes. As you can imagine this was a time of unfocused poor decision-making. My grades were in the toilet, I was depressed and felt very alone.

Partying was (and is) not for me. I do much better on a schedule, with sleep and minimal alcohol. When I focus big things happen. When I don't, I end up in the gutter pretty quickly.

Sometimes I think it would be fun to sleep all day and throw my responsibilities to the wolves (and yes I meant that expression) but then I remember how much I love productivity and learning. Adulting can be hard but it's also a lot of fun to own my life and play an active role in my success.

The Classroom I Created

I wouldn't go back to any of these times but I'm grateful for each. Every life I've lived served it's purpose. The tragedy would be living all of that and not seeing the beauty and education in it all.

#selfworth #learnforyourmistakes #learning

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