• emilyhawkins28

Feeling Like A Fraud

I have felt like a fraud so many times in my life I can't even begin to share it all so I will focus on the most recent.

2 1/2 years ago I became a mother of two. I had been a mother of one for three years and felt that having another baby wouldn't really change anything. I was right, it changed EVERYTHING.

The battlefield known as my life

The dynamic in my house went from kind of crazy to chaotic. I was physically and emotionally drained on a daily basis. Laundry, bottles, children seeking attention, meal planning, diapers. I was completely overwhelmed.

At this very same time work also threw me for a loop. When I came back from maternity leave, my work team was now a mutiny. No one wanted to work but they all wanted to get paid. The more I pushed the worse it got.

Bottom line: I was failing at life.

I wasn't a good mother and I wasn't a good leader.

The Life Raft

Until one day a coworker came to me with a personal development book. At this point I felt like I was out in the ocean looking for anything to cling to so as not to drowned. I grabbed hold.

The Five Gears By Kubicek

One book turned into a veracious appetite for learning, growing and bettering myself. I started checking out books and audio books at the library. My once victim mentality slowly gave way to ownership and soon action.

Over the next 3 months everything changed, again, but this time for the better.

I took action with my team. I fired, reprimanded (in the form of performance reviews) and forced the bad eggs out. I also hired with a purpose this time, knowing the first time around I hadn't spent enough time honing what my needs were before jumping in the hiring game. What I ended up with was a team of ROCKSTARS!

I also took action at home. I made time for my husband and I created a designated game/art time with my daughter after the baby went to bed so that she felt special and loved.

Then......I got bored.

I was still devouring personal development like it was a second job but I now felt I'd grown past my position at work. I conquered it! Now how could I make it bigger?

Enter Fraudulent Beliefs

Fear set in. Who was I to think I could do something bigger than leading a team of 5 and building statistical models? Who was I to start a movement?


Except staying felt fraudulent too. Did I want to be the girl who read all the books and did nothing with the material? I was beginning to feel like the puppy that outgrew his crate, caged in and uncomfortable in the very place I used to feel safe and happy.

I came to realize I would be a fraud either way, I had to choose whether I wanted to be a cowardly fraud or an adventurous fraud.

I am happy to report I am happy living as an adventurous fraud. ;-)

But, I also realized that cowardly frauds are a match made in heaven that will never separate. Once a coward, always a fraud. On the other hand, adventurous frauds can separate and live independently as simply adventurous without being frauds.

So go be an adventurous fraud. The world desperately needs more of them.


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