• emilyhawkins28

All About Me Through My Failures and Faults

I realize it's high time we get to know one another and the best way for you to learn about me is through my failures. I won't list every failure, this isn't War and Peace after all. Blogs are supposed to be short, right?

I'll do the highlight reel for you, or the low lights, however you want to view this.

I was a 26 year-old divorcee.

Yep, I divorced young. I'm happily married now and have been for 7 years this August. My divorce is something I'm neither proud nor ashamed of. I learned so much about myself during this period of poor decision making. (my poor decisions, not his)

I got married because that's what you're "supposed to do" when you graduate from college. If you don't you will die alone. Okay, no one said that to me but that's what I told myself. My parents got married right out of college and are still married so that's the way the world works......or so I thought.

This was the first lesson for me of not following the normal path. Getting divorced when some of my friends were newly married and I was still attended tons of weddings was like pouring salt in a wound. I felt so alone and like a huge failure.

Only after meeting my second husband did I realize what a true gift I had been given. I was able to try marriage on, see if it fit me, put it back on the rack and walk out with better ideas of what I wanted in a partner. The second try fit like a glove and is more than I ever thought possible. A friend who makes me laugh, puts me in my place (I can be pretty ridiculous), is a great father, incredibly hard worker and a great kisser.

The laughing and the kissing were my 22 year old goals. The middle was what I realized I needed as a real adult. ;-)

I can't ride a bike and I have terrible anxiety when driving a car.

Me and wheels, sigh.

If you say to me "it's like riding a bike" I will assume what you are meaning is it's really hard and I'll never get it.

Over the years many have tried to teach me and all have failed. I can't stand being out of control and that's what balancing on two wheels feels like to me.

I long to let go and feel the wind in my hair, take my kids to the beach, ride for hours until my legs give out (or maybe my butt, the seats hurt). But I can't let go and trust that I will be able to balance and not crash. I have debated training wheels but my husband refuses to ride with me like that. I can't blame him, I mean I'm a grown woman!

As for driving, it wasn't always like this. I used to drive hundreds of miles a week when I first got married. I loved getting behind the wheel of a car, driving on the open road, listening to music or books. My car was my freedom. One day I drove on a very windy day through the mountains and everything went downhill from there (pardon the pun). Now getting on any major highway or interstate throws me into a panic attack almost immediately.

This really strange gift has shown me how it's not okay to push people sometimes. When I find myself pushing someone that is scared I pretend like I'm riding a bike or driving on the interstate and in that moment I'm able to let go of wanting that person to push past their fear. Sometimes people need space. Sometimes people need a tandem bike, where you do it WITH them. (although those scare me too but metaphorically I'm okay with them)

I'm an impatient OCD.

I don't repeatedly wash my hands but I do like things straight, neat, organized and done right the first time, so yes I'm also very impatient. I was so impatient I couldn't end my sentence without saying that I was impatient.

I see this so much in my daughter. My daughter is quite the artist but finishes one tiny section of artwork and declares "I'm done". I see how ridiculous I really am and how if I just stayed with something longer than 5 seconds I could create true, lasting and meaningful beauty in the world. Raising a miniature version of yourself is comical and cruel all at the same time.

I couldn't cook until I was almost 30.

This isn't that terrible this day and age but now that I prefer my cooking to restaurants it makes me laugh.

In college I lived off of Pasta Roni and Domino's Pizza. No wonder I gained so much weight! Carb anyone?

When I met my now husband he did EVERYTHING! The man even did his own laundry! The only thing he couldn't do was cook so I decided to learn to give something to him. Did I also mention my husband would eat dog food if you put it in front of him? Thank God for this because the first year of cooking was a lot of trial and error.

Then I found this amazing peace in chopping and a satisfaction in watching him eat something that I made, say "that was awesome" and get seconds. We also dropped a ton of weight together by cooking at home. Until I learned to cook I had no idea how powerfully healing food could be.

I'm extremely unathletic.

I had a softball coach ask my father if I had knee problems because the way I run. I was 12 when these comments were made with zero knee issues.

I was always last in gym class to finish the mile run and actually figured out how to skip laps when the teachers weren't looking so as not to be last. That's right, I found out how to cheat my health at 10!

Because I was never picked for sports and school is all about athleticism I became the funny kid. I have a very sharp wit that can be hurtful but mainly only to me. This self deprecating humor was born out of making sure I made fun of me before anyone else could.

In college people started telling other people I was funny. My brother actually became friends with me because all of his friends said I was hilarious. (true story)

Later in life when I gained 60lbs with my first child I decided to take another shot at the fitness thing but in my own home. I laughed A LOT! After a year I decided to share my silly self on social media and found a ton of people that admired me making fun of myself, these people said I was inspiring! What!?!? Funny how things change.

Planning and parenting, the two make for interesting bedfellows

Because I felt I was never naturally good at anything I came up with a way as a child to control the awful as I put it. Later in life I realized this was called planning! I plan everything. I can spreadsheet you under the table. That's right, I just made a document a sport. ;-)

Things may not go my way but I plan about 30 different scenarios and am okay with failing. I typically don't plan for successes, so much so they shock the hell out of me.

The one thing you can't truly plan is children. (not the having them part, I'm talking about the raising them) I did try spreadsheets and parenting books. That worked great for about 6 weeks. Then my first child went off the grid. I was freaked out and didn't know what to do. That's when I discovered a new method in my life also known as "winging it".

I still plan but I also understand that sometimes those plans won't happen and that's okay. I think God gave me kids to chill out and enjoy mud. No seriously to enjoy the small things. Sometimes I do get annoyed. I would say I'm an Okay-ish Mom. My OCD impatience kicks in and I lose my temper.

I do love random art time in the evening or playing a game. Most of all I love that my 5 year old daughter asked if she could teach me to ride a bike. Maybe she can do it!

#failures #learningtocook

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